I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You are the jesus of drinking
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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