I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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