hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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