I wish my penis had an off switch
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize