I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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