we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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