The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Alive.
So much puke
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
