I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
