If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
