and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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