i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
