turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
