I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
