And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
