So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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