You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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