my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
you will always have a special place in my vag
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
