i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
