Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
whose parrot is this?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
