smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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