I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
