I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
