My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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