This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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