our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
