We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
