All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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