There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
