I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
