she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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