Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize