I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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