Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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