shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
