a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
