im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
