Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize