i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
