Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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