Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
