oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
