I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Shame is for Republicans.
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