Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
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