why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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