Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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