I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
