Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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