is your mom at the bar?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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