she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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