Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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