You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Randomize
