Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
