And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
