her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
