I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
