he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
