I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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