You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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