well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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