She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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