the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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