I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
sarcasm needs its own font
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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