Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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