The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
