You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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