Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I will be naked everywhere
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Randomize
