That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
