My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
