I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
