Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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