A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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