i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
