it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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